I’m struggling.

Some days are just hard.

Some weeks are really hard.

Some months are really hard.

I’m struggling.

I’m really struggling.

There is nothing that you can do to help. I’m not sick. My children are healthy. We have jobs. We have a roof over our heads. We are not financial need of anything. I don’t need you to bring me a casserole.

I just need to admit out loud that I am struggling. That if I take the moment to admit what is actually happening everything will be okay.

Having little kids was really hard.  I wasn’t a huge fan of it.

I always felt like I was drowning. That I was failing.

And I was. There is no other way to say it.

But, I feel like back then I had an excuse to be failing at things. My kids were little, I was sleep deprived, we were living on one income and a mat leave, yadayadayada.

Now, I feel mostly disappointed in myself that I don’t have it all together.

Like, I don’t have an excuse anymore. That now that our children are in school, I am supposed to have it all together.

I want an excuse for not putting the laundry away or for cooking chicken nuggets for dinner three times a week.

It felt easier.

Now, I just feel overwhelmed and shitty about things.

I’m usually pretty good at letting things go, but not lately.

My mind is racing with things I should be doing or should have completed.

Get chicken breasts out of the freezer.

Buy coffee cream.

Send in the warranty papers.

Order photos from 2010 to 2017.

Dust.

Organize the kid’s craft drawer.

Clean out my wallet.

Buy tampons.

Return the field trip form.

Some days I can see through it all. I can give myself grace for not being able to have it all together.

But, not lately.

Lately, it’s been hard.

Maybe harder than usual.

Maybe I am being harder on myself than usual.

I guess I’m not sure.

I just feel like everything is getting harder now that the kids are getting older.

That dance is getting more expensive.

That baseball practice is at a bad time of day.

That my husband going to school is causing stress.

That the piano teacher expects too much.

That I have taken on too many clients.

When does it magically all just come together?

Wait. Don’t answer that.

Don’t answer that.

I think I know the answer.

It’s when I say it does.

It’s when I let things go and realize that I am never going to be the person that has all her ducks in a row. That the “junk cupboard” will always be piled high with school papers, old magazine, cell phone bills and crafts.

I might always struggle.

I might only struggle for another week.

I might struggle for another month.

I might just struggle for today.

Maybe watching Scandal and eating chips won’t fix things. But, it sure as hell helps.