Mother’s Day, it comes every single year in May. Mother’s Day is the day where every mom finally gets to put her feet up and relax while soaking in all the love and thankfulness her family is showering her with. It’s the day that we finally receive recognition for an entire year of the love and support we give and the sacrifices we make. It’s the day that we can finally breathe and see the fruits of our labour. It’s the day…
Who the fuck am I kidding?
No one is fooled here.
Mother’s Day, while it has the potential to be WONDERFUL, is often a chaotic mess of brunches, meltdowns and macaroni jewellery gone wrong. It is the day that you must honour all the OTHER moms in your life while you feel as though perhaps no one is honouring you.
You see, while I have had a few wonderful Mother’s Days throughout my almost 11 years of being a parent, there are also some that take the cake in the shitty department.
I specifically remember one Mother’s Day that I spent the majority of the morning cleaning up dog shit off our bedroom carpet. Our dog had gotten into something the night before and didn’t whine at our bedroom door to be let out on Mother’s Day eve, instead, she shit everywhere. I MEAN EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to the sun shining in our window, my husband in bed beside me. The birds were chirping, and just as I took a deep breath, ready to tackle the day, the stench hit my nose. How the smell alone didn’t wake me up that night I don’t know, because it was something else.
Sleepily, I stepped out of bed to investigate and low and behold, my bare foot nestled right into a giant pile of watery shit that spread between my toes. Happy fucking Mother’s Day to me. I woke my husband and of course, gagging and running off to the bathroom to throw up, he left me standing there. He let the dog out while I cleaned the room, because of course he just can’t handle this kind of stuff. I got to work, and the dog came back into the room to join me, looking at me sheepishly. I just eyed her, thinking to myself: “If this is the gift my furbaby gives me for Mother’s Day I am terrified to see what my skin children have decided to do.” Just as that thought crossed my mind and I laughed off my negativity, the dog looked straight at me, made eye contact and shit directly inside the bedroom heating vent. THIS WAS MOTHER’S DAY. The dog went back outside, and I tried to find a way to clean that infernal vent, removing the shit.
It took me HOURS to clean the room and try to air the smell out. That was a SHITTY Mother’s Day and it was followed by quite a few others that were close in experience.
So, what do I want for Mother’s Day this year? What would make me happy? There are at least 5 things I can think of.
5 Things I Want for Mother’s Day
- No one to shit anywhere but the toilet – This one is self explanatory; except I will add on that I want to make sure everyone also FLUSHES.
- Someone to order breakfast rather than cook it– I am tired of waking up to the disaster in the kitchen après breakfast in bed. This might make me seem ungrateful, but I end up being the one that cleans it all up properly, and there is usually somehow flour on the ceiling. (This is not to say that my husband doesn’t try to help but his cleaning is a lot different than my cleaning.)
- To stay fucking home – No I don’t want to go to YOUR Mom’s house, this year I don’t even want to go to mine. I want to stay home. I don’t want to have to have the kids locate their fucking shoes, I don’t want to have to even brush my hair. I just want to breathe.
- SILENCE – This is not to say I want the entire day quiet, but a few hours would be sufficient. Take the kids out to buy my flowers or make me a craft somewhere and let me just sit. We can spend the rest of the day together I SWEAR I just spend EVERY SINGLE OTHER DAY with my kids, so if this one is supposed to celebrate me, I would like to do that quietly.
- My husband to take over – I want to enjoy my kids on Mother’s Day. I don’t want to mother them; I just want to be silly. I want to cuddle, hug, laugh, and enjoy every single second. I DO NOT want to be their referee. I want him to take over for the day and swoop in when they start to fight. I want him to pick up after us (and trust me I will try to throw my socks anywhere BUT in the laundry basket.) I just want to ENJOY the good parts of having kids and not have to deal with the difficult parts, just for one damn day.
So folks, there you have it. 5 SIMPLE things I want for Mother’s Day.
Who the fuck am I kidding? Hell, at this point I will settle for a burnt bagel and being woken up to kids fighting as long as no one shits on my carpet this year.
Jen is a 32 year old work at home mother of two wonderful little cherubs age 7 and 10. She writes for ninjamommers.com with a 7 year old on her head, a dog barking at nothing and a 10 year old making weird noises in her ear. Send Wine.